Choice

I just finished reading “Tathea” by Anne Perry. It is a book that I read several years ago, but I felt like I wanted to read it again. It is set as a fantasy, science fiction type book, but it is really a metaphor for the war between God and Satan, good versus evil. It is not necessarily religious, but directs you along those lines. It is set against Satan’s plan that man would have no trials, no sin, and no pain. All souls would return to him with none lost. Jesus then gave his Plan of Salvation which was that only through trials would we grow beyond the spiritual infancy that we were born into. Only through sin could we learn repentance and forgiveness. Only through pain would we recognize joy and truly grow in God’s image. The Plan presented by Jesus won and Satan left heaven intent on destroying all those that fought for choice. The reason for this book report is that, according to the author’s intent, it makes you think about choices. Especially about motive and whether we do good for good or reward. It may sound trivial and irrelevant why we choose good. It may seem like you are looking too deeply into something if the result is the same anyway. I believe there is importance in why we do things as much as what we do. When the reward is clear or the choice is easy and defined, we will almost always choose good. Do we always choose good when it is easier to choose, not even bad, but less? Do we sell our own growth short when we choose the path of least resistance? It is to accept the trials, not as punishment or damnation, but as opportunity. They are opportunities to choose light and grow in wisdom and experience. To allow tough times to stagnate you and push you down does not move you forward. You will still have to move forward, in time. It is your decision how long that takes. I hope you will take your lumps in life with the knowledge that these will not define you, but how you respond to them will. There is no question of whether you will get knocked down in life. You will. Will you get back up? Will you recognize the joy of stepping out of the darkness and into the light? Will you allow wisdom gained to be a hope and a source to others who seek your counsel because of your strength, example, and resilience? This doesn’t only apply to our choices, but those around us, as well. In order to become the person that we are destined to become, we must allow others to choose, even if their choice is not what we would do. We can’t be so tied to ideals that we direct others to our choices. We have to allow each person the freedom to choose in all things, even if we believe with all of our heart that our path is the correct one. To choose for someone, or deny information to make our way more appealing stunts their growth. It denies them the ability to take a step up or down their own ladder. In time, it denies them the will and desire to shape their own life. To truly love someone is to share with them the knowledge, but let them choose whether to pick up the tools and use them or not. Your choices will define you. Don’t ever fear making the right choices, no matter how hard. They will always leave you on solid ground. I know you and I trust in you. I will always love you.
Dad.

Treatment or Disease?

Treatment or Disease?

I had sort of a bad night last night. I felt okay and didn’t have any pain. I just couldn’t sleep. It has become apparent that the Hydrocodone that I needed for pain management has become physically and/or psychologically important for a decent night’s sleep. That, in and of itself, is not a big problem. The tough part is that part of my enzyme therapy is a fairly intense detoxification. So if the meds are not for pain, I need to get off of them. I decided that last night should be the night to start. I lay awake until about 3 am, unable to sleep. If it was just insomnia, that would stink enough. Instead, I get a very intensely uncomfortable and restless feeling in my arms and legs that make it impossible to lay still. I start to fidget and end up fairly miserable. That is where the fun really starts. As I get increasingly more irritated that I can’t sleep, all the other injustices start to flare up. This program that I am on is very structured. Pills, juices, saunas, and other less delicate parts of the protocol take place between every half hour to hour throughout the course of the day. While just drinking a vegetable juice or swallowing a handful of pills doesn’t sound obnoxious and exhausting, take my word for it, it becomes that way. When your day becomes a steady stream of “have to’s” and very few “want to’s”, it becomes easy to dread the arrival of a new cycle of treatment. It makes you look forward to a night of uninterrupted sleep. When you can’t have that, ironically because of another pill, it can make you a bit agitated. I am being descriptive about this not because I want to upset those close to me or to garner sympathy. My wife dedicates her day and her life to the preservation of mine. She works tirelessly day after day to make sure that I have the pills, the juice, or anything else I need. The only time she complains is if I am trying to do more than I should instead of saving my energy for healing. So, I wondered what I was trying to say. I almost wadded this up and threw it away as I got to this point. Then I remembered why I decided to start this blog. To share my experience in the hopes that others would be able to relate and find hope. I know that I am not unique. Others have cancer. Others have afflictions, sickness, and trials. Others lose hope and are not sure where to find it again. Others have treatments that are far more invasive and harsh than what I go through daily. Sometimes, in down moments, the treatment seems like a bigger pain than the disease. That is where the support is really needed. Not only to support you through the disease, but to distract you through the treatment. Sometimes you wonder’ “Will all this effort pay off?” and “Am I using the last time I have left on a ridiculous wild goose chase?” I won’t know the answer to that until it works or it doesn’t. If your child was on a bike and about to be hit by a bus, would you only leap to save him or her if you knew the outcome? Of course not. Life or death decisions call for a leap of faith and to believe that it will work out. One way or another. What I have found is that each person can’t be all things to you. My wife, Florence Ratchet (part Nightingale and part Nurse Ratchet from “One Flew over the Cuckoos’ Nest), not her real name, is dedicated to taking care of me. Sometimes she has to nudge me in the direction I need to go. My Dad, my kids, and my brothers are there to distract me and make me laugh. My Mom, Mom-In-Law, and my sister support me and my wife in whatever way needed. They are not all things individually, but together they are everything. It boils down to why you want to overcome the situation. With mine, it is because I will always do all I can to show my children that life is worth living. It isn’t easy sometimes, but the good times far outnumber the bad. The hard times fade after you move through them. If this wasn’t true, mothers would never have more than one baby. When I get stuck in a dark place and wonder if the treatment is worth the cure, I look at the effort of my wife and kids, the love and support of family and friends and realize that sometimes they know better than I do. I just need to put one foot in front of the other each day and know that I will look back at this someday and have one hell of a story to tell.
PS – I feel a lot better this morning. :)

Faith and Hope

It is easy to get caught up in the unpredictable events of our daily lives. Some things are very important and require our immediate and undivided attention. Other things just seem that way at the time. I get caught up in things that I think are urgent, only to sit back, look at the big picture, and realize that they really have little to no relevance in things that really matter. As I think about what is important to me, a few come to mind that always matter. The love of friends and family. The hope that by doing what is required of me, I can be healed. My faith in God, the reasons that we are here, and that a better existence waits for us when our chores are complete. I used to think that this life was what it was all about. I have always believed in Heaven, but just assumed that it was so far off that my biggest and most real concern was my physical self and mortal well-being. My view on that changes continually now. We are responsible for this mortal body that we are given. How we treat it. What we put in it. What we put on it. The respect and love for it that we portray to others. If we treat our own body poorly, others will surmise that it is acceptable for them to, as well. That responsibility is a part of our time here, but not the only reason. I have felt as I travel this path with cancer, that our journey isn’t about the financial mark we make or the items we possess. It isn’t about the toys we collect. I enjoy these things as much as anyone, but our life is a trial of faith in preparation of our eternity. Even if you don’t put an eternal after-life as the solution to the equation, this life still has more to give than just plodding along with blinders on, clicking off the mile markers. There is unsurpassed beauty that was created for our enjoyment. People in our life that are there to give and receive love. What we need is truly different from what we think we want. Life is as simple or complicated as we choose to make it. When we slow down and enjoy the pure and simple things, the irrelevant are relegated to where they belong. In the background. Not to be obsessed over, but to be dealt with and checked off. Let the people who love you and you love be the reason that you get up each day. Greet the day with the knowledge that you will learn something that day that you have never seen, noticed, or experienced before in your life. Whatever your age. Have hope that God’s hand will be visible in your day. Recognize it when it happens. Have faith that there is more out there. God wants us to develop and progress. Exactly the same way that your father on earth wants you to grow. This is a wonderful place to be, but it is not about our time here. It is about the steps we take in our physical bodies to enhance our spiritual souls. As you put your soul first, in love, your body will get every ounce of fun out of this life. Actions always speak louder than words, so speaking a spiritual message, but doing otherwise doesn’t make you a messenger, it makes you a hypocrite. If you truly believe in your greater purpose here, it is far better to quote scripture in deed, than in word. The message is clear in any faith, any denomination, or even if you choose to make your own way through life lessons and self-study. Good is good. Right is right. Faith is belief in things not seen. Faith is hope. I believe that there is more after this life because it makes sense to me that all of this could not just appear from nothing without a Creator kicking it off. Even if you believe in evolution, it had to start somewhere from Someone. I have hope and I have faith that we are meant to be good and to do good because we are loved. If we follow our hearts, it leads us that way, every time. I have faith that someday I will know this to be true. Until then, my job is to be sure that my actions reflect my faith.

Acceptance and Humility

My belief and perception has always been that of an optimist. If I am faced with a problem or obstacle, I have always believed that a solution is there. It may not be the perfect solution, but a way to minimize the damage and move on. I have always believed this and still do. But with my current predicament, I was starting to wonder if that was true. Many treatments have failed and the cancer continues to progress, to this point. I know that I need to work hard, eat right, and do all of the things that healthy people would likely never consider. There was an element within my control to pave the way for a miracle, but in the end, if my body chose not to respond, there was nothing I could do. The pain in my right hip and leg was a constant reminder that this concept was true. Little by little, I gain acceptance of this fact, and that is a good thing. It is not a hopeless thought. Or one that gives up trying. It is knowledge that, on these occasions, our troubles are bigger than ourselves. We must look outside of ourselves for answers and whatever solution can be offered. I am reminded of the Serenity Prayer, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” I don’t say many memorized prayers anymore, but that is one that I use more than daily. It tells me that I need to know what is beyond my ability to control or change and ask for help outside of myself, by someone with power beyond mine. Humility comes from this acceptance. Humility is a cultivated trait. It is something that you develop. You can be humble about things, but humility is something that you find in yourself. It becomes something that you are, not what you do on occasion. It means to do something for someone and tell no one. It means to put your family before you in all things. It means to live a Christ-like life. To be in service of your fellow man in your heart, thought, and action. Seems like a lot. That is where the first part comes in. Do the leg work and put forth the effort. Change what you can to be the best person that you can be minute by minute, day by day. Be humble and know that God is by your side giving you strength. Accept your limitations and that He will make up the differences. It is no different from your father teaching you to ride a bike. You have to get up there and pedal. He is right behind you, steadying the bike. It doesn’t mean you won’t get scrapes and bruises now and then, but with his help you will gain independence. What this all means for me is that I am learning to accept my disease. I know that now is the time to turn my life and my will over to the care of God. I continue to work hard and accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and pray to know the difference. Physically I can do these things. But just as important, spiritually and emotionally, I turn over to the strength of God. It requires more than I can give. I trust in the Lord and believe he can heal me. I will try to be humble enough to remember this, but this too I know, Thy Will Be Done.

Fathers Day

Fathers Day is here and, as it seems lately, I reflect on things differently than I used to. My appreciation for the little things makes me grateful and overwhelmed by aspects that I never fully understood or concerned myself with. I always looked at Fathers Day as an opportunity to appreciate and thank my Dad for his tremendous influence in my life, who I turned out to be, and who I aspired to be. When I had children, I had fun being the Dad who was honored with the gift of the Norelco Electric Shaver. What I never looked at deeply enough was the honor of being their Dad. The honor of being my Father’s Son. The honor of being picked by my wife, not only to be her husband, but to be the father of her children. It may be a “Hallmark Holiday”, but it occurs to me how lucky I am to have been chosen by my Father in Heaven for this assignment. To be loved by a Dad who never turned his back. To love, and be loved unconditionally, by two children in a way that they may not know until they are blessed with children of their own. To share a life with a mate, so special, that I know she was hand picked by God, for me. Fathers Day is for me to recognize and ponder that we are made in God’s image. We are his family. He loves us in ways we can’t imagine. My life is full because of all of my family and my heart is full at my love and admiration for them. I pray that I can give them the best Fathers Day that they have ever had. Whatever gift I may receive from them will be most appreciated, but will unfortunately never be able to match the gift they have already given.

Life Isn't Fair! Or Unfair...

I usually like to write at night. It is peaceful and serene. My mind is able to wander and pick the places it needs to go. It is meditation to me. Things that active thought gets in the way of. Tonight is like that. I have many things on my mind, but when I try to pick one out, I can’t complete a thought. I think that is exactly where I need to go. I am trying to understand why I have cancer. What lesson am I to learn? What am I to teach? Is it only necessary to be the best example I can be? And since I’m on this soul-searching expedition, is this fair? Why is life decidedly unfair sometimes? I know that better people than I have dealt with far more, but my kids are innocent bystanders in this thing. I know that I believe that life is just life. The good and bad that happen here are not reward or punishment. They are only tests and trials. The judgment is based on how we handle life’s unfairness, not a question of whether we are victim to it or not. All of us will live through tough times. As we battle them, will we choose to look at our feet as we trudge through them? Or will we stride purposely, looking ahead to better times and resolution? I wish I could say I always choose the latter, but unfortunately, we are all more similar than we like to think, and I sometimes trudge through the former. One of the simplest thoughts pertaining to this is, “This, too, shall pass”. This applies to good times and bad. Life rolls on whether we are enjoying it at that moment or not. We are given a finite time here, and we don’t know how long we will get. So, while this too shall pass, remember that it does pass, quickly. If you choose to dwell on unfairness and tough times, you minimize the time spent enjoying what God has given you. When troubles hit, sit down and analyze what you need to learn from the situation. As the lesson becomes clearer, so will the solution. As you see what you need to learn, you can begin to understand why you needed to be in that situation. It becomes part of what makes you who you are, not fair or unfair. It does not mean that it will not hurt. Sometimes you will stride purposely towards a resolution, but not toward better times, with tears streaming down your face. Sometimes what is truly unfair in this life won’t be better times until the next. Cancer is like that. For some, the joy is felt here and we get to celebrate miracles. For others, they have to wait for that joy until the miracle and understanding is found in the next life. What we see here is so limited. It was explained to me once that the big picture is like a giant warehouse, filled with everything. In this life, the lights are off and we have a small flashlight. We can only see what that little spot of light will show us. When you go to heaven, it is like someone turns on the lights and you can see everything. Life is not fair or unfair. It is meant to be a journey filled with ups and downs. Be the person who understands that tough times build you. Feel joy, feel sorrow. Feel anger. But know that what you were meant to feel, is love. Always return to that and you will keep your head up as you stride through life with purpose. Fair or unfair.

Why I Try

Through this treatment of cancer, it is always interesting to talk to and correspond with others going through similar trials. For every patient, the treatment varies slightly. Even though conventional treatments for cancer follow a well defined and researched path, patients always put varying degrees of emphasis on spirituality, diet, nutrition, supplements, attitude, outside support, etc. What also seems to vary is the desire to fight and the reasons for it. Some that have lived a long, full life may have an acceptance of their disease that others, stricken at an earlier point in their life, refuse to acknowledge. With 2 young children and a dear wife trying to juggle these seismic changes, I put myself in the latter category. Some diagnosis, regardless of age, are so dire that it leaves few options but to “put your affairs in order”, hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Again, while I am not having much fun with my diagnosis, I do have the luxury of options and time. Time to reflect. Time to research. Time to repair. Time to Fight. It is too simplistic to say that I fight for self preservation or fear of the unknown when this life is done. Of course, those things are true. My faith allows me to worry a lot less about life after this one, but it also teaches me that this life is precious. Something to be defended and protected. I think the biggest reason of “Why I Try” is the love that I have for others and the love that they have for me. If the last example I can leave for my children is that I would not give up, not doing as I say, but do as I do. Sometimes the victory isn’t always only in the outcome, but the dignity, grace, and valor of the battle. I want my children, my wife, my family, and my friends to know that I love them enough to fight with every ounce of energy to win this war and remain with them until God calls me home, not just until it gets too difficult. The love and support given to me give me strength to try new treatments, as alternative as some of them are, because if there is a chance, I owe it to myself and all of you to endure to the end and make this life all it is supposed to be. When my time is up, I will know. It’s not my time. That is why I try.

What we think of ourselves.

It seems like life is scored or judged by others’ perception of us. We no longer evaluate ourselves by a look in the mirror, but someone else’s view. The judge gets the anonymity and latitude to voice any opinion, while we are left to pick through the pieces and select what has purpose and meaning. Many of the pieces don’t have purpose and need to be discarded. I think we start down the wrong path by giving value to an opinion that comes from someone that is not qualified to offer it on that specific situation. I believe in getting input from others on important decisions, but their perspective, goals, and values should be similar to our own or we should not be surprised when their opinion doesn’t feel right to us. What it really boils down to is, taking responsibility and ownership of our own portrait. A self-portrait, the only one that carries weight in this scenario, is, by definition, done by ourselves. It is not to trust or hire someone to do a better job. It simply can’t be done. When we set out to paint the portrait, the palette must be selected by the artist. I might choose “Honesty” as the most important “color”, while someone else may choose “Kindness”. Neither is wrong, but each chooses for themselves. When we begin to paint, we must recognize that this self-portrait starts when we are children and we will continue to evaluate and improve or degrade this portrait by the standards we value and the choices we make throughout our lives. It is truly a work in progress. After we are gone, this portrait is what we leave behind for others to interpret and discuss. Something this important has to be done for ourselves, by ourselves. As with any artist, many influences and methods lend texture, but the image is our own. The reason that I use this metaphor, and believe me, I am no artist, is that I want to explain the importance of enjoying the delight of building a beautiful life and to be the person that, through personal revelation, you know you can be. Others will offer opinions and thoughts about important milestones as you travel through your life. Some will even care. But the consequences of these decisions and the responsibility for your actions will always be yours to bear. You can point the finger for choices gone awry, but you will still clean up your own messes. The more you understand this very simple rule, the better decisions you will make for you and your family. Especially as you travel through your teenage years and into adulthood, pressures will be great to make decisions based on what others want you to do. They will likely not have any more information than you do, but want company in decisions that they make for themselves. This is a trap. All the time. Not that you won’t make the decision with them. It may very well be a very good choice. But, the decision that you make must always come from you, by your own reflection, by your own personal revelation. It then becomes an addition to your self-portrait, not detraction. The choice may not end up being the best one, but make the best one you can at the time, with the information that you have at the time, and with the intent to build yourself up, not break yourself down. As you make right decisions, even if they are not always correct, people will gravitate towards you for the right reasons. Those that would “judge” you will seek your counsel. It is not always about the “correct” decision, but it is always about the “right” decision. What others think will get you what they want, or maybe what you want, at that moment, but may not even consider what you want out of your life. Don’t sacrifice what you want most, for what you want now. The feeling that you get in your heart for a truly unconditional and altruistic gesture is not available through any drug, machine, or possession. It is a small taste of God’s love for us. It is a reward for choosing “correct” and “right”. Those feelings should guide your actions. We are given all of the clues for a happy, righteous life. They are always rewarded by the unquestionable feeling that we have done right for the right reason. This comes from our Heavenly Father and no person can give you this gift. By doing what others think you should do, against your own feelings, will not give you what you need to beautify your portrait. It will lead to damage to repair, apologies to offer, and amends to make. As you get closer to the end of your time here, you will start to see that what you thought of yourself always made you stand a little taller and more proud. What others thought of you, if unjustified, is irrelevant and usually difficult to even recall. Don’t be afraid to look in the mirror to evaluate yourself. Be the person that you want to see in that reflection. Always continue to fairly evaluate where you are and where you want to be. Always know that something as beautiful as what you are meant to be, takes time. Be fair to yourself and allow yourself that time. Don’t hold your expectations so high that you are unhappy with your progress and continually try to start over. Use all of your experiences as a wide variety of brushes and colors to improve your portrait. Work towards your self-portrait, designed by what you know you were meant to be. God made you out of an infinite love for you. Never question if you are ever enough. You always are. If someone tells you that you aren’t, hand them a mirror. Obviously, they can’t paint your self-portrait, so they better get busy on their own.

Don't Put Off The Good Stuff!

I have always been as good at putting things off as most, and better at it than many. Sometimes it was things that I dreaded and just didn’t want to do. I think everyone has those and will have to find a way to make a list of these and just work until they are crossed off. The type of procrastination that I am talking about is different, and probably makes less sense. It is putting off the things that you really want to do and enjoy simply because you feel there will always be time to do them later. My experience with cancer has shown me that this type of thinking can be a trap. Hopefully not, but we are not guaranteed a long life of perpetual ability and/or capability. Life moves quickly and the means, resources, and time to put regular life on hold to accomplish the things that build our foundation fades into the rearview mirror. Soon we look into that mirror only to realize that the opportunities to give our life definition, failed to define us because we didn’t give them the fuel to move us from a place of comfort to a life changing unknown. I think there are two types of dreams that this boils down to. One has many subsets to it. That one is the “Wants”. The Wants are dreams that are fun. They are the type that you sit in a room and someone begs you to tell the story of “when you did…” To me, these are like skydiving, or swimming with dolphins, or backpacking through Europe. All noble adventures that add the garnishments and spice of who you are. They provide the stories, give the colors, and put the gravy on the meat and potatoes. The 2nd type is the meat and potatoes. They don’t spice the meal, they are the meal. They don’t color the painting, they are the canvas. These are the dreams that I want to talk about. These are so individual that everyone’s are different. One of mine is on a ship on the ocean. Sounds common, right? Only it is not to be on the ocean on a ship. It is the feeling of peace and serenity of slowly rising and falling with the tide. Of feeling a light breeze on my face and the faint smell of salt water in my nose. It is the feeling of complete removal of any concern, doubt, or worry in my soul. In it’s place is the perfect alignment of creation and my essence breathing a sigh of contentment. That centers me and feeds my soul. That feeling doesn’t give me a story to tell. It gives me strength and power to know my creator and to fulfill the promise of who I am to be.
Some dreams are identifiable, like that one. Others are not a singular experience, but a goal to build a pattern of living that reflects light to others that you care about. One example is to take not only the time to be involved with your family, but to take your time to be with your family. Your best time. To dedicate your love and attention to be present with them. Not to ask, “Am I having fun”, but to ask, “Am I making sure that they are having fun”. When our focus is on the service of someone else, our priorities change. What we thought we wanted, or even needed, changes. We become a pathway that real magic uses to truly transform. It is easier to attach conditions and rules to something. That is because you can give it, but never really lose complete control over it. It takes a great deal of humility to give this way because you do not get to dictate how it is received or perceived. You just leave it alone, and let nature decide. Even though this is the hardest and scariest way to love someone, if you can allow yourself to truly love someone unconditionally, you are promised to feel love in return. If it is unconditional, their response is irrelevant. The Spirit of our Lord will reward you with unconditional love in return. I know it seems that I drifted off track from procrastination of true dreams, but I didn’t. The important dreams to follow through on are the one’s that make you feel God’s unconditional love in your heart for Him and for Others. This book does that for me.
I love both of you. Unconditionally. Forever. Eternally. Completely.