Why I Try

Through this treatment of cancer, it is always interesting to talk to and correspond with others going through similar trials. For every patient, the treatment varies slightly. Even though conventional treatments for cancer follow a well defined and researched path, patients always put varying degrees of emphasis on spirituality, diet, nutrition, supplements, attitude, outside support, etc. What also seems to vary is the desire to fight and the reasons for it. Some that have lived a long, full life may have an acceptance of their disease that others, stricken at an earlier point in their life, refuse to acknowledge. With 2 young children and a dear wife trying to juggle these seismic changes, I put myself in the latter category. Some diagnosis, regardless of age, are so dire that it leaves few options but to “put your affairs in order”, hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Again, while I am not having much fun with my diagnosis, I do have the luxury of options and time. Time to reflect. Time to research. Time to repair. Time to Fight. It is too simplistic to say that I fight for self preservation or fear of the unknown when this life is done. Of course, those things are true. My faith allows me to worry a lot less about life after this one, but it also teaches me that this life is precious. Something to be defended and protected. I think the biggest reason of “Why I Try” is the love that I have for others and the love that they have for me. If the last example I can leave for my children is that I would not give up, not doing as I say, but do as I do. Sometimes the victory isn’t always only in the outcome, but the dignity, grace, and valor of the battle. I want my children, my wife, my family, and my friends to know that I love them enough to fight with every ounce of energy to win this war and remain with them until God calls me home, not just until it gets too difficult. The love and support given to me give me strength to try new treatments, as alternative as some of them are, because if there is a chance, I owe it to myself and all of you to endure to the end and make this life all it is supposed to be. When my time is up, I will know. It’s not my time. That is why I try.

What we think of ourselves.

It seems like life is scored or judged by others’ perception of us. We no longer evaluate ourselves by a look in the mirror, but someone else’s view. The judge gets the anonymity and latitude to voice any opinion, while we are left to pick through the pieces and select what has purpose and meaning. Many of the pieces don’t have purpose and need to be discarded. I think we start down the wrong path by giving value to an opinion that comes from someone that is not qualified to offer it on that specific situation. I believe in getting input from others on important decisions, but their perspective, goals, and values should be similar to our own or we should not be surprised when their opinion doesn’t feel right to us. What it really boils down to is, taking responsibility and ownership of our own portrait. A self-portrait, the only one that carries weight in this scenario, is, by definition, done by ourselves. It is not to trust or hire someone to do a better job. It simply can’t be done. When we set out to paint the portrait, the palette must be selected by the artist. I might choose “Honesty” as the most important “color”, while someone else may choose “Kindness”. Neither is wrong, but each chooses for themselves. When we begin to paint, we must recognize that this self-portrait starts when we are children and we will continue to evaluate and improve or degrade this portrait by the standards we value and the choices we make throughout our lives. It is truly a work in progress. After we are gone, this portrait is what we leave behind for others to interpret and discuss. Something this important has to be done for ourselves, by ourselves. As with any artist, many influences and methods lend texture, but the image is our own. The reason that I use this metaphor, and believe me, I am no artist, is that I want to explain the importance of enjoying the delight of building a beautiful life and to be the person that, through personal revelation, you know you can be. Others will offer opinions and thoughts about important milestones as you travel through your life. Some will even care. But the consequences of these decisions and the responsibility for your actions will always be yours to bear. You can point the finger for choices gone awry, but you will still clean up your own messes. The more you understand this very simple rule, the better decisions you will make for you and your family. Especially as you travel through your teenage years and into adulthood, pressures will be great to make decisions based on what others want you to do. They will likely not have any more information than you do, but want company in decisions that they make for themselves. This is a trap. All the time. Not that you won’t make the decision with them. It may very well be a very good choice. But, the decision that you make must always come from you, by your own reflection, by your own personal revelation. It then becomes an addition to your self-portrait, not detraction. The choice may not end up being the best one, but make the best one you can at the time, with the information that you have at the time, and with the intent to build yourself up, not break yourself down. As you make right decisions, even if they are not always correct, people will gravitate towards you for the right reasons. Those that would “judge” you will seek your counsel. It is not always about the “correct” decision, but it is always about the “right” decision. What others think will get you what they want, or maybe what you want, at that moment, but may not even consider what you want out of your life. Don’t sacrifice what you want most, for what you want now. The feeling that you get in your heart for a truly unconditional and altruistic gesture is not available through any drug, machine, or possession. It is a small taste of God’s love for us. It is a reward for choosing “correct” and “right”. Those feelings should guide your actions. We are given all of the clues for a happy, righteous life. They are always rewarded by the unquestionable feeling that we have done right for the right reason. This comes from our Heavenly Father and no person can give you this gift. By doing what others think you should do, against your own feelings, will not give you what you need to beautify your portrait. It will lead to damage to repair, apologies to offer, and amends to make. As you get closer to the end of your time here, you will start to see that what you thought of yourself always made you stand a little taller and more proud. What others thought of you, if unjustified, is irrelevant and usually difficult to even recall. Don’t be afraid to look in the mirror to evaluate yourself. Be the person that you want to see in that reflection. Always continue to fairly evaluate where you are and where you want to be. Always know that something as beautiful as what you are meant to be, takes time. Be fair to yourself and allow yourself that time. Don’t hold your expectations so high that you are unhappy with your progress and continually try to start over. Use all of your experiences as a wide variety of brushes and colors to improve your portrait. Work towards your self-portrait, designed by what you know you were meant to be. God made you out of an infinite love for you. Never question if you are ever enough. You always are. If someone tells you that you aren’t, hand them a mirror. Obviously, they can’t paint your self-portrait, so they better get busy on their own.

Don't Put Off The Good Stuff!

I have always been as good at putting things off as most, and better at it than many. Sometimes it was things that I dreaded and just didn’t want to do. I think everyone has those and will have to find a way to make a list of these and just work until they are crossed off. The type of procrastination that I am talking about is different, and probably makes less sense. It is putting off the things that you really want to do and enjoy simply because you feel there will always be time to do them later. My experience with cancer has shown me that this type of thinking can be a trap. Hopefully not, but we are not guaranteed a long life of perpetual ability and/or capability. Life moves quickly and the means, resources, and time to put regular life on hold to accomplish the things that build our foundation fades into the rearview mirror. Soon we look into that mirror only to realize that the opportunities to give our life definition, failed to define us because we didn’t give them the fuel to move us from a place of comfort to a life changing unknown. I think there are two types of dreams that this boils down to. One has many subsets to it. That one is the “Wants”. The Wants are dreams that are fun. They are the type that you sit in a room and someone begs you to tell the story of “when you did…” To me, these are like skydiving, or swimming with dolphins, or backpacking through Europe. All noble adventures that add the garnishments and spice of who you are. They provide the stories, give the colors, and put the gravy on the meat and potatoes. The 2nd type is the meat and potatoes. They don’t spice the meal, they are the meal. They don’t color the painting, they are the canvas. These are the dreams that I want to talk about. These are so individual that everyone’s are different. One of mine is on a ship on the ocean. Sounds common, right? Only it is not to be on the ocean on a ship. It is the feeling of peace and serenity of slowly rising and falling with the tide. Of feeling a light breeze on my face and the faint smell of salt water in my nose. It is the feeling of complete removal of any concern, doubt, or worry in my soul. In it’s place is the perfect alignment of creation and my essence breathing a sigh of contentment. That centers me and feeds my soul. That feeling doesn’t give me a story to tell. It gives me strength and power to know my creator and to fulfill the promise of who I am to be.
Some dreams are identifiable, like that one. Others are not a singular experience, but a goal to build a pattern of living that reflects light to others that you care about. One example is to take not only the time to be involved with your family, but to take your time to be with your family. Your best time. To dedicate your love and attention to be present with them. Not to ask, “Am I having fun”, but to ask, “Am I making sure that they are having fun”. When our focus is on the service of someone else, our priorities change. What we thought we wanted, or even needed, changes. We become a pathway that real magic uses to truly transform. It is easier to attach conditions and rules to something. That is because you can give it, but never really lose complete control over it. It takes a great deal of humility to give this way because you do not get to dictate how it is received or perceived. You just leave it alone, and let nature decide. Even though this is the hardest and scariest way to love someone, if you can allow yourself to truly love someone unconditionally, you are promised to feel love in return. If it is unconditional, their response is irrelevant. The Spirit of our Lord will reward you with unconditional love in return. I know it seems that I drifted off track from procrastination of true dreams, but I didn’t. The important dreams to follow through on are the one’s that make you feel God’s unconditional love in your heart for Him and for Others. This book does that for me.
I love both of you. Unconditionally. Forever. Eternally. Completely.